Wimpy Burger: Ghostbusted

This one is ‘Merrington-lite’, since it is based on an actual and traumatic real life event. The comedy may be light, but the subject matter is close to home and the pain very, very real indeed.

Enjoy, you sick bastards.

Dear Wimpy,

It's high time I finally got what has to be the single most crushing disappointment of this tiny existence off my chest.

Please cast your mind back to 1989, when motion picture event of December ‘Ghostbusters II’ was about to hit. That film had pretty much cornered every available merchandising avenue it could, including a splendid round of drink cartons from Five Alive with holographic pictures on the side. That was seriously good. I had them all. But Wimpy Burger, along with TV's Most Successfully Misleading Commercial Of All Time promised everything a kid could ever want from their specially prepared merchandised meal.

I'm talking about the ‘Ghost in a Can’.

Yeah, you remember. A black can with the Ghostbusters II logo on the side that came with the order? In the commercial a kid would crack it open, only to be greeted with none other than Slimer himself! “Holy shit!”, thinks this kid… “I have Slimer as a friend for life! My very own ghost, which was lovingly crammed into this smaller-than-normal can, which came with my Ecto-1 cardboard burger box! Life is good!”

That was the message sent out to hundreds of children that chilly December. And that's exactly what they thought they were getting when they continuously kicked the back of mum's car seat and convinced her to take him (or her) to the meat house right away. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Wimpy. For a start, you get a plate. And service too! (Although I think the ‘Bender in a Bun’ is a cheap shot from your advertising bods). But you wounded many with that pathetic excuse of a ‘toy’. Because do you remember what was inside that black can?

NOTHING.

Nothing but air, of the purest and most uninteresting kind. No ghost, no Slimer, so ectoplasmic residue or restaurant-wrecking explosion of joy. Nothing at all. I have the testimonials of many, many UK children (around 9 at least) who claim to have even saved the can from the restaurant, opening it in secret so as not to arouse suspicion nor startle fellow diners BECAUSE WE THOUGHT THERE WAS A GHOST INSIDE.

Yes, kids are stupid. And advertising has never changed in all those years. But I can't help feeling like that was the turning point for many. That was the day when the child in me invited cynicism in and capped off those heady and youthful daydreams for good. Playtime was over. If anything, perhaps I should thank Wimpy. Certainly this diatribe wouldn't exist were it not for the resentment and hatred I felt that day. Sure, I understood that Mr Frosty may not ‘make treats for everyone’. Nor did I ever expect actual, burning hot light to ever fire my ‘Laser Tag’ guns. But you really got me with this one.

I would really appreciate it if, after this woeful tale, you could provide me with any information as to point of this movie toy tie-in? Who was responsible? What was the thinking behind it? I notice Wimpy don't do television commercials anymore - was this debacle partly responsible? You don't owe me anything (well, a meal ticket might not go amiss) but as a sensible and well adjusted adult with certainly no ludicrous nor murderous grudges of any kind, I think I deserve some kind of closure.

To put it how my parents so frequently do, ‘I’m not angry, just very disappointed'.

Regards,

Cristophe U. Merrington-Head