Let Me Know What You Think


by Proton_Pack

22 years, 9 months ago


this is what I have so far for my fanfic let me know what you think of it.

Spirit of The Flame:

It was warm summers evening, and the Ghostbusters had just gotten back from another bust. “Damn it Ray quit leaving your junk all over my desk” Peter said, “Sorry Pete, but you know what a slob I am” Ray replied, “oh man would you look at this, there’s been another arson fire set on 5th that’s the fourth fire this week!” Peter said. Just then the door to the firehouse swung open and a short balding man approached the front desk. “Can I help you sir?” Ray said, “I hope so” the man replied, looking a bit worried. “What seems to be the problem sir?” Peter asked noticing the smell of cheap cologne, “its about the recent arson fires” the man replied, “I’m sorry sir but although this is a firehouse it is no longer operational, were the Ghostbusters not firefighters” said peter, the man began to look disgruntled “I know that” the man said sharply “look these fires arent being set by an arsonist” said the man. “Well then who is setting these fire’s may I ask?” peter said, “well if I knew that I wouldn’t be here would I” replied the man “look I lived in the building where the last fire was set, and before the building went up in flames this horrible looking man appeared in my apartment and said “Now you will pay for the sins of your ancestors” and then the whole building went up in flames, I hardly escaped with my life” the man said. Suddenly Egon popped up from under janins desk and said “hmm this is very interesting I have some literature I would like to look at in regards to this case” “don’t worry sir the Ghostbusters are on it now” Ray said. The man still startled from Egon’s strange entrance replied “When you guys find something let me know, and by the way my name is Harold” then he slipped Peter his number, and walked out.

“What do you think Egon?” Ray said, “According to this Article I found in Tobin’s Spirit Guide, there was an old Zulu magic man that lived in Africa juring the time of the Anglo-Zulu war, which was the British against the Zulu people in 1879. He was captured during a British raid on a Zulu village and was later tied to a tree and burned alive by General Kindel” Egon replied. “what they roast him for?” Peter asked, “apparently the troops in the squad that captured him believed he had put curses on all of them, causing illness among troops and extreme bad luck, so it was decided to lift the curse by burning the magic man alive” Egon replied. “That’s horrible” Ray said, “It also says here that his last words translated into English are your bloodline will be soiled for all time, which he said while burning” Egon said,

by Dr.Spengler

22 years, 9 months ago


Grammatically its messy, but hopefully you can clean that up a little.

As for the story, it sounds pretty awesome, a good setup, and I can't wait to read it!

by Proton_Pack

22 years, 9 months ago


Im sorry im no good for grammer could you tell me what im doing wrong?

by Dr.Spengler

22 years, 9 months ago


Well, other then Capitalization mistakes, you haven't broken up the sentences at all. The dialogue is all grouped together. I'm going to cite my stories as an example. I'm not perfect, but I do strive to keep everything as grammatically correct as possible.

Example of my kind of dialogue:

“Hey, Peter,” said Ray.

“Hey, Ray,” said Peter.

They are broken up, so we can distinguish between who is talking.

I suppose I could go on and on, but these are just some basic things.

I don't mean to be mean or anything, just some suggestions.

by Proton_Pack

22 years, 8 months ago


ummmm I thought I did do that…..

by Dr.Spengler

22 years, 8 months ago




As you can see, it's not broken up, and if a paragraph goes on like that, it becomes harder to distinguish between who is talking.

by Dr.Spengler

22 years, 8 months ago


Spelling's good, though.

by Proton_Pack

22 years, 8 months ago


thanks.. but I HATE PUBLIC SCHOOLS THEY DIDNT TEACH ME HOW TO USE GRAMMAR AND NOW IM GRAMMAR RETARDED! AND PEOPLE WILL GIVE MY STORY A 1 BECAUSE OF THE GRAMMAR! and if you cant tell im mad!